How long have I had this? It has just sat here, all alone.

At first I felt I had something to say, something that others would want to listen too. Something. It is the whole reason I started this up. I thought life was okay and had…something. Then life started to get wacky.

Even though I had a lot to say.
I did not know if I needed to say them.

ENF

I still do not know the answer. In fact, I am not even sure why I am here. I am not a writer. I am not sure I even have anything to say that hasn’t already been said. Or that anyone really wants to hear. Does there really need to be yet another voice out there, when there are so many? So many.

But I am here. Had the urge to get on here, for some reason. To write something inspirational, or just where I am at? Maybe it will help someone else…maybe it is just me writing to the universe.

The last year has not been easy. It has been nothing like I expected.

In fact when I started this blog, as stated, I had thought life was about to finally be okay. Little did I know it was all about to start falling apart, little by little. To the point where a year after my first blog, nothing, was what it once was.

Last night, though, I was told something. In that moment, for what seemed almost like the first time in the midst of all that had happened. I could see the protection of God. I could see His goodness.

In the midst of things, we (my husband and I) were not told the truth. For a long time, we could feel things were off but we just never really knew why, we just kept trying to be faithful in what we believed God had told us, and for awhile He was saying, “Keep showing up.” So we did. We kept showing up.

• Ha, I feel silly now. I had no idea what other people who knew the truth were actually going through and I remember offering up this tidbit of advice. And they knew way more than I did. Man were they ever gracious with me.

Maybe we were naive. Maybe we believed in something that really wasn’t there. Maybe it did lead us down some paths that we are not proud of. But I believe, that God was telling us that. We were to obedient until He said otherwise.

The thing is, is that we never felt like we fit in. We weren’t really asked to peoples home to form deeper relationships and when we asked to do things with people it never “worked out”. I honestly didn’t know why.

We tried to take these moments, and draw closer to God and to work on ourselves. Seek healing where there needed to be, forgiveness. It wasn’t easy. That feeling of being on the outside looking in, but we kept going.

ENF

There was another time in our lives, that this happened too. We always thought it was because we lived a distance away and was never really able to get close to people.

We just decided, my husband and I, that we would work on ourselves. The result is that we seemed to be moving further away from the group. We began to pray a lot more, and find ourselves making more time for things we loved. Asking God for direction as relationships were less. The feeling of moving on to something else, was becoming greater.

There was still a whole lot we didn’t know and even more we didn’t understand. Until finally, we felt like God said it was time. We left.

Anyway, back to the recent conversation. Some of the why was revealed. I think if I had known this information before, it would have helped us make the decision we needed to a lot sooner. We probably wouldn’t have stayed as long. Idk. Even our response probably would have been pissed and left right then.

When a double standard has been created and compromise is okay for others, not you. Something is wrong.

Knowing it now, I look back over this past year, well probably even years, and just realize how much God protected our hearts from things. How He grew us, our family, closer to Him. Seeking Him more than anyone else. How even in the midst of all of that, He started to lead us away. Not with hearts that were angry or offended. But with hearts that were sad, humbled, and broken.

It’s like all those stories you read in the Bible, where you find out what God was doing behind the scenes. You trusted Him but you never got the answer or the understanding you thought you needed. Until one random moment, having a random conversation.

You are able to see that God didn’t let you get drawn into that. God didn’t let others separate you from your family. God didn’t let your marriage fail. God didn’t allow the enemy to come and destroy what He had been working so beautifully on.

He kept you securely wrapped in His arms. Letting you know just enough, to keep you from falling into the trap that others had set.

I wonder too, if we were suppose to leave a long time ago. But we believed more in man or a vision, than what God was telling us to do. Let me make it known, that there are no hard feelings for people. I think there are relationships forming that are new, even though I have known them for awhile. I am just letting God lead on that. I also pray for what we left. I ask God to intervene all the the time, cause it will only be by Him and not by anything I can do.

Even if that is so, and we were suppose to leave. I believe that there is grace for that. I believe that God can redeem that time and that nothing was wasted.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned, is that any of us are one step away from following a different path. I am fully aware that it is only by the grace of God that I am here.

ENF

• That I myself haven’t gone down another path where I would be right besides others. I do not boast in anything, I am so humbled by this truth that I pray I keep it with me always, when I start to think I am better than anyone else. I pray God will remind me of this always.

I am amazed by His love. By His protection. By the safety of His arms.

I am thankful for His healing.

The tender way He leads. He is always so faithful, and I hope I never lose sight of that.