Words are such a funny thing. In one moment they can build you up and make you feel loved. In the next, they can tear you down and make you hate who you are.

There have probably been more than these times but there are always two moments in my life that stand out where the second one took hold of my life. The thing they had in common is that in both times, my character was attacked. It was almost as if these people knew exactly what to say, they knew that deep down I wasn’t these things or I hoped I was but then told in one second I wasn’t what I thought I was.

I think the words that build us up or make us feel loved can be so easily forgotten. Is it easier to believe the negative things people speak over us than it is the positive? Does it play into the insecurities we already have?

One of the said incidents happens many years ago, but the other one was just this year. That one, still plays a toll on me. The words creep in when I least expect it. “I didn’t feel safe”. I have never thought of myself as someone that people couldn’t be safe with. I can go into the details and why I think they said those words. But really I am not so sure that even the situation is important. I am not sure even the person who said them is important in this story. It is that statement that wants to play with me.

It is that statement that pops up in those moments I least expect it. This sentence. This small sentence. Quiets anything else I have to say. I am in shock. It makes me question my own character. I question who I am.

I thought I had it figured out. Forgiven. Let it go.

But just in the small moments, these words are vomited back up. And I wonder how many people have been told that I am unsafe. I wonder how many people have or still think that. And I shut down. I close up. I would much rather be alone than anyone feel that way about me.

And I am. Alone. For reasons I don’t really know. People have been exiting out of my life. Maybe it is because I hadn’t forgiven like I thought. Maybe there has been bitterness that has been contaminating everything I am around. Maybe it is me. And for a little bit, I thought the world would be better without me in it.

But maybe at the same time, its not just me. Maybe a decision was made to just say something that they thought would get them what they wanted. I don’t know if this is what they wanted.

Honestly, I am not sure what to do with what was spoken.

I wish I could remember how I overcame them last time. I think I had help. I had someone who could help me through it. But now, I am not sure who to go too. That is the hardest part of it all.